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Tag Archives: Rob Bell

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Dazed & Confused (Humor)


Dazed & Confused (Humor)

 
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Posted by on May 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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New Seeker Sensitive Church Plant Idea (Satire)


 

Introducing the newest and most effective Seeker Sensitive Church Plant idea ever! For only $19.95, you can become a senior pastor of your own Roller Coaster Church Plant. Kit includes construction plans for a roller coaster, signs for posting on uphill portion that give short limerick-style false Gospel presentation, closed circuit camera for capturing photos of the coaster riders with their hands raised thus becoming members of your church plant, and “Carnal Christian” t-shirts to give each rider as they exit the roller coaster so they won’t worry about knowing they are no different than when they got on. Order now and you will also get a nose piercing, crown of thorns tattoo, and an authentic pair of skinny jeans so you will rock their world. Those who order within the next 15 minutes will also receive a “John Piper says I am Doctrinal & Sound” bumper sticker and a “What Would Rick Warren Do” bracelet. Hurry! Place your order now!

“Why didn’t I think of this…every seat is an anxious bench” Charles Finney

“This idea is doctrinal & sound.” John Piper  

“Sometimes, placing a person’s butt in a roller coaster seat and vowing not to let them get off until they make a decision for Christ can move a heart when the Gospel cannot.”  Rick Warren 

“Roller coasters are confusing…who can know what they mean?”  Brian McLaren

 
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Posted by on August 30, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Emergent Exegetical Preaching (Satire)


“All we are is just a…another brick in the wall.”

 
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Posted by on April 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Emergent Lunacy (Satire Replay)


The ministry team at Surgir Locura (formerly First Baptist Mennonite Church before converting to Emergent philosophy) donned pantomime regalia and performed a dynamic equivalence interpretation of 2Corinthians 12:7 to the tune of Poison’s rock-n-roll ballad Every Rose Has a Thorn… No one in the audience understood let alone gained any benefit from the dramatic display, however, the church was able to find a use for the white gloves they purchased for the handbell choir in 1968… 

 
 
Image borrowed from www.thereformedtraveler.wordpress.com . Caption by Truthinator. 
 
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Posted by on December 5, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Emergent Airlines (Satire)


“Tower, this is Emergent Airlines flight A29 from Seattle to Grand Rapids and it appears the airport is upside down. Please rotate immediately…”

When you’re Emergent, if you don’t like what you see, you can redefine it!

 
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Posted by on September 21, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Shane Hipps, a Muslim Woman, and an “Open” Table


I know you guys mainly come to my site for satire & humor but this is something you really need to see. I will give some background to those who may not be aware of this interesting development in the Emergent Church Carnival. This, folks, is the reason why it is a bad idea to replace sound, expositional Bible teaching with drama, self-help sermonettes, and extra loud extra long music segments… Read on.

Shane Hipps is the “teaching pastor” at Rob Bell’s Mars Hill Bible Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan. The issue at hand happened a few weeks ago at the church just mentioned. The church was observing the Lord’s Table or taking Communion or whatever you prefer to call it. There was a lady in attendance who was (as we have been told) a practicing Muslim. She was offered participation in the Communion ceremony by someone or several people in the church. Shane Hipps applauded this in several tweets to his followers. 

Hipps went on to also tweet that the woman did not participate noting that her Theology would have been violated more than his since he observes an “open table”.  This sounds very magnanimous but is it? Let’s go to scripture.

In every account of the giving of the wine and bread which Christians continue to observe, the participants were Jesus’ followers. (Judas was pretending to be a follower and was allowed since he was the vehicle by which the betrayal would occur. This is a subject for another discussion) No casual attenders or just regular folks were present when Jesus broke the bread & gave the wine during which he proclaimed these to represent His body and His blood. See Matt 26: 26-29, Mark 14: 22-25, and Luke 22: 17-20.  

Also, in 1 Corinthians 11, Paul is correcting the improper conducting of the ceremony in which some members of the church in Corinth were hoarding the food and guzzling the wine. Paul strongly cautions them against taking the bread and wine in an improper manner. Some may argue that all present were not Christians but the letter to the Corinthians was addressing people who were professing believers.

So, does it make sense to invite someone who does not profess Jesus to take part in the observance of Communion? Even though this may change, historically, even the most liberal of churches in America do not invite non believers in Jesus as their Savior to take Communion. So is Hipps correct? No, he is not.

The thing that really saddens me is even the Muslim woman knew it made no sense for her to take Communion and Hipps apparently does not! His “open table” cannot be defended with scripture. This table is not open. And this guy serves as “teaching pastor”… God help us. We need it.

 
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Posted by on September 19, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Emergent Baseball (Satire)


Bob: Alright, Jim. What’s the call?

Jim: Who can be sure? 

Herb: How do you feel the call should go?

Jim: I’m just afraid the players will be angry at the dogma of making a call. Then they might not come back to the next game.

Fred: I wonder what Rob Bell would do?

Jim: Safe! Everyone is safe!  

 
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Posted by on August 23, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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G’day Mate (Humor)


thatsacroc (Read with your best Australian accent)

Aborigine:  What’s that you say, mate?  Rob Bell says there’s no hell?

Dundee:  Crikey, mate, don’t believe that. Stick with God’s word and have a g’day!

 
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Posted by on August 9, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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I Have a Question on the Campus Crusade for Christ to Cru Change (Opinion)


I have noticed that not very many blogs have addressed the topic of Campus Crusade for Christ changing their name to Cru so as not to offend. Why is this? I’m not sure.

Anyhoo, here is my take. Are they bad folks? Probably not. Is it wrong for them to do ministry under a new name? No. Did they fumble the ball when trying to do PR about their name change? ABSOLUTELY.

Here is how I got there. They whole info download about their decision to change their name smelled like low tide at the docks. Their spokesman said they changed their name because Campus and Crusade were causing them problems when trying to minister to people. I have two major problems with this.

1) If Campus and Crusade were the offenders, then why did they leave out Christ? (cue the crickets) There is no answer other than maybe they simply forgot to include Christ when they coined a new name. Probably not that one. So was it really Christ that was the offender and they were too lily-livered to admit it? This is what I fear is the correct answer. I hope I am wrong.

2) When choosing a new name sans Campus and Crusade (and Christ for that matter), why on earth would they choose Cru? This makes no sense whatsoever. Cru is simply short for crusade… Duh!

There are several possibilities as to why things happened the way they did. The one I fear is their leadership may have been taught and/or influenced by the pragmatic seeker friendly and Emergent under tow that has captivated the apostate church.

Many, many folks have been influenced by the potentates of pragmatism. You will catch more flies with honey than vinegar is the common thought. Hogwash! You are not catching anything. If people are being caught so to speak for God’s kingdom, He is doing it. Your pragmatic showmanship and Drucker-styled leadership isn’t doing a thing but deceiving you if you are on the pragmatic bus.

How on earth or in Heaven can you better represent Christ without His name than with it? SOMEONE PLEASE ANSWER THIS QUESTION FOR ME.

And when you answer, please quote God and not Rick Warren, Robert Schuler, or Brian McLaren…  I’ll be waiting.

 
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Posted by on August 7, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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The Emergent Bakery (Satire Re-post)


      
  
Guy: I would like a muffin, please, do you have any?
 
Emergent Baker: One can never be sure…
 
Guy: Do you have a banana nut muffin?
 
Emergent Baker: That sounds a little dogmatic to ask if I have one. I prefer to have a conversation about muffins.
 
Guy: Uh, you sell muffins, right?
 
Emergent Baker: We provide an atmosphere where people can safely explore whether they can perceive if muffins exist without the ridicule and legalism of the traditional bakery.
 
Guy: Do you know how to make muffins…do you have a cookbook?
 
Emergent Baker: I prefer to meditate about the ingredients that make up a holistic muffin in my mind’s eye. We do not use that old, outdated, tradition-steeped cookbook used by the irrelevant traditional bakers. We prefer the Purpose Driven Chef and Your Best Baking Now. These offer much less restrictions to our sense of self expression in the kitchen. They also boost our sense of self-importance.
 
Guy: Look, spaceman, do you have a muffin or not?
 
Emergent Baker: That is not the real question. The real question is how to meet your felt need of desiring a muffin. We have found that replacing the tired old order & serve process with drama, relevant FM-type radio music, and impressive-looking teenage bakers calms the customers and keeps them coming back.
 
Guy: Coming back for what? I need something to eat!
 
Emergent Baker: There you go again. Your mentality is the reason why most traditional bakeries have gone out of business.
 
Guy: Never mind, I will get a pack of crackers at the office… A bakery that doesn’t bake is worthless!
 
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Posted by on July 21, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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