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Tag Archives: Reformed

Who is Performing the Contemporary Worship? (Humor)


who

 

Middle-aged Reformed Man:  Who is doing the contemporary worship at Seeker Valley Church on Sunday.

Young, Restless, & Reformed Man:  Who?

MRM:  That’s right, Who.

YR&RM:  No, who is doing the contemporary worship?

MRM:  Yes, Who.

YR&RM:  I’m confused…What is the name of the band that is doing the contemporary worship at Seeker Valley Church on Sunday?

MRM:  No, What (are we doing?) is the name of the question the Seeker church should be asking itself…

 
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Posted by on December 13, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Left Behind: A Reformer’s Revenge (Humor)


Ok, Mrs. Jones, the Reformed Bible study is in that room over there but be really quiet when you walk down the hall. There’s a group of Dispensationalists in room 120 and I want them to think the rest of us have been raptured and they’ve been left behind…

 
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Posted by on May 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Come Back to the Future… (Humor)


 

Marty:  But Doc, the leader of my Beer & Bible small group says that the book of the Revelation was mostly fulfilled in AD70, Israel is done. I’m a Preterist.

Doc Brown: Marty, I’ve warned you about the YR&R folks. Have you read Romans 11? You need to come back to the future…

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Theological Talking Scales (Absurd Humor Replay)


Roman Catholic talking scales: “For an Indulgence of $50, your weight gain will be absolved…”

Lutheran talking scales: ”There are at least 95 things you should not have eaten this week…”

Southern Baptist talking scales: “Raise your hand if you know deep down in your heart that you should not have eaten those pop-tarts this week and if you really mean it, you will be saved from weight gain…”

Freewill Baptist talking scales: “Last week you gained weight and this week you lost it again…”

Reformed Baptist talking scales: “Our scales were calibrated in AD70 and if your weight is not what you expected, it is because you have been listening to those heathen Dispensationalists again…”

Dispensational talking scales: “Don’t get left behind, believe that you can lose that weight and it will suddenly disappear from your thighs in the twinkling of an eye…”

Word Faith talking scales: “Claim that weight loss in the name of GEE-Zus and you will be slain in the GLO-ry. Now don’t forget to plant your seed money for next week…”

Emergent talking scales: “Numbers are so confusing. We’re not sure exactly what your current weight is but be assured that all weights are acceptable before Him or Her, if there is a God at all. Let’s have a conversation about your weight after the praise band cranks out a few secular songs at 120 decibels…”

Seeker talking scales: “Just buy my book in the lobby and follow these 4 steps to finding your purpose. Your weight will be your best weight now…”

 
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Posted by on January 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Theological Talking Scales (Absurd Humor)


Roman Catholic talking scales: “For an Indulgence of $50, your weight gain will be absolved…”

Lutheran talking scales: “There are at least 95 things you should not have eaten this week…”

Southern Baptist talking scales: “Raise your hand if you know deep down in your heart that you should not have eaten those pop-tarts this week and if you really mean it, you will be saved from weight gain…”

Freewill Baptist talking scales: “Last week you gained weight and this week you lost it again…”

Reformed Baptist talking scales: “Our scales were calibrated in AD70 and if your weight is not what you expected, it is because you have been listening to those heathen Dispensationalists again…”

Dispensational talking scales: “Don’t get left behind, believe that you can lose that weight and it will suddenly disappear from your thighs in the twinkling of an eye…”

Word Faith talking scales: “Claim that weight loss in the name of GEE-Zus and you will be slain in the GLO-ry. Now don’t forget to plant your seed money for next week…”

Emergent talking scales: “Numbers are so confusing. We’re not sure exactly what your current weight is but be assured that all weights are acceptable before Him or Her, if there is a God at all. Let’s have a conversation about your weight after the praise band cranks out a few secular songs at 120 decibels…”

Seeker talking scales: “Just buy my book in the lobby and follow these 4 steps to finding your purpose. Your weight will be your best weight now…”

 
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Posted by on October 11, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Blame it on the Brain (Humor)


Patron: I’ll have a piece of the J. Vernon McGee Rapturous Raspberry Pie.

Blond Waitress: I don’t believe in the Rapture…I’m a Milli Vanillianist.

 
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Posted by on October 7, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Smoke a Spurgeon (Humor)


Photo courtesy of Calvinistic Cartoons; Caption by Truthinator
 

Don’t get caught on the downgrade with a cheap cigar…elect a Spurgeon Panatela. It never loses its flavor and the aroma is predestined to ward off backsliding to lesser cigars. Once lit always lit… Exercise your free will and enjoy one today. Reform the way you think about cigars. These are the best smokes of this dispensation. Available at better Calvinist humidors near you.

 
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Posted by on September 24, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Dispensational Malaise in America (Opinion)


Today is September 11, 2011 which is the tenth anniversary of what was apparently a quasi-military attack on US soil. This opinion piece is not about whether this day should be memorialized. Read on…

Dispensational churches across America will fly 100 foot flags today and marching bands will play patriotic tunes while people gather to hear inspirational words. Is this wrong? No. Many need comfort. Even though it has been ten years, the people who lost loved ones will always grieve. There is no statute of limitations on pain & loss.

The issue I seek to raise really has nothing to do with 9/11/01 per se. The issue I have a beef with is that many dispensational churches will go through yet another scheme to draw a crowd today and once drawn, a speaker will deliver a message to them about 3 or 4 steps they can employ to make their lives better here on earth.

Self help, investment portfolio enhancement, marriage improvement, Lexus performance maintenance, and other such important matters will get more attention than the message the church is intended to proclaim unless I miss my guess.

While I do not agree with everything my Reformed friends believe, they will come much closer to getting it right today. Dispensationalism has gone the way of the pragmatic broad road in too many cases. Did Jesus set aside His rightful position in Heaven, come to earth, die, and rise again so that we could put a little spark in our marriages & get optimum performance from our beemers?

The Bible is very clear about what we are to do during this life. Of the activities discussed there, I see very little if anything about structuring this life for optimal enjoyment. Draw crowds if you please but for Christ’s sake, tell them the truth once you get them there.

 
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Posted by on September 11, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Guns ‘n TULIPs (Satire)


 
 

Meet the latest in Calvinist garage-style church praise bands:  Guns ‘n TULIPs             Welcome to the jungle…

 
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Posted by on September 7, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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New Calvinist Beer Slosh/Bible Fellowship (Satire)


We in the New Calvinist (Neo Reformed) movement do evangelism the easy way… we change the nomenclature & incorporate worldliness into the things of God.

Note to readers: If this post irks you, research the Young, Restless, & Reformed and see what they are doing in God’s name and compare to Ephesians 5. Thanks.
 
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Posted by on August 15, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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