Tag Archives: Loud Music

Boom! (Humor)

Emergent Praise & Worship Bands… We put the Boom in Boomshakalaka.


Posted by on April 14, 2012 in Uncategorized


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A Time Traveler Talks to Spurgeon (Humor & Satire)

A Time Traveler Talks to Spurgeon

Time Traveler: And I saw flashing lights that would blind your eyes and thick, acrid smoke that choked the life from me. I heard thunderous sounds that split the sky with their ear-piercing volume and saw scantly-clad people writhing in mesmerized stupor while heavy, chest-pounding thuds of great bombilation pounded me into mush.

Spurgeon: Did you witness the end times?

Time Traveler: No, that was a description of my church’s praise band performance last week…


Posted by on February 13, 2012 in Uncategorized


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Shout It Out Loud (Satire)

Emergent Amplification: When it absolutely positively has to be louder than hell…

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Posted by on December 28, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Hell’s Decibels (Satire)

Emergent Sr. Pastor Tweezer gets caught in between speaker towers just as the praise band fires up Van Halen’s “Runnin’ with the Devil” for the call to worship. What they were worshipping is not clear but one thing is clear… the pastor will not forget his ear plugs next week…

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Posted by on December 28, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Relevance Ear (Humor & Satire)

Doctor:  “Yes, I’ve seen this condition before. I call it Relevance Ear. It happens when churches raise the volume level of the praise & worship music by as much as 50% to appear cool to the 20-somethings they are chasing after. The only effective treatment is to attend the traditional service while you still have one…”

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Posted by on December 15, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Ear-reverent (Satire)

After testing their volume level on a hand-picked group of consumers, the praise band at Elevation Station (formerly 2nd Baptist Mennonite Reformed Bible Church of the Puritan Brotherhood before converting to Emergent) felt they had it just right. Afterall, loud is the new spiritual…


Posted by on October 13, 2011 in Uncategorized


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What it Was Was Contemporary Worship (Humor)

 [I modeled this after the comic genius of “What it was was Football” by Andy Griffith and I mean for it to poke some sarcastic fun at the ridiculousness of the Seeker/Emergent Church. Read with your best Southern accent, Ya’ll]

Well, it was October 2011 and I was out lookin’ fer a church to go to in this town called Charlotte. I seen one that I thought might be a good-un so I tied the horse to a tree limb and walked up these steps.

Next I went into this big ole buildin’ and sat down in one of them cushiony chairs and it wuz the softest thang and there wuz this big ole platform betwixt me and the back wall yonder…

And I seen this big ole stack made out of these boxes and covered in sparkly fabric sayin’ Marshall on the front and in the middle of this here platform wuz a bunch of these here round thangs with holes straight through ’em…

And I wuz a-feared that I wuz maybe in the wrong place since all of the other folks looked like they were more suited for a motorcycle rally than for church but I waited around anyhow just to see what wuz a comin’…

Then all of a sudden like, somebody somewhere turned out the lights and it was so dark you couldn’t see a thang…then there was the awfullest racket that you’ve never heard in all your born days. And this feller came out from behind this curtain playin’ one of them electrified geetars…

And another feller started beatin’ on what turned out to be drums and I thought my head would vibrate off my shoulders. Then this screetchin’ sound started and it wuz these people singin’ and you never heard such bellerin’…

And then this feller carryin’ a flashlight came up to me and asked me ain’t I enjoyin’ the worship and I said, “What worship?” then he got all red in the face and grabbed me by the collar and showed me to the door and I wuz glad to be a goin’ ’cause I had come there for church but I don’t think there wuz no church a goin’ on there…


Posted by on September 30, 2011 in Uncategorized


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It Sounded Like a Freight Train (Humor)

Man Pointing:  “The roar like a freight train is coming from that church over there not from a tornado. The praise band must be rehearsing…”


Posted by on September 15, 2011 in Uncategorized


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