Tag Archives: Calvinist

Theological Talking Scales (Absurd Humor Replay)

Roman Catholic talking scales: “For an Indulgence of $50, your weight gain will be absolved…”

Lutheran talking scales: ”There are at least 95 things you should not have eaten this week…”

Southern Baptist talking scales: “Raise your hand if you know deep down in your heart that you should not have eaten those pop-tarts this week and if you really mean it, you will be saved from weight gain…”

Freewill Baptist talking scales: “Last week you gained weight and this week you lost it again…”

Reformed Baptist talking scales: “Our scales were calibrated in AD70 and if your weight is not what you expected, it is because you have been listening to those heathen Dispensationalists again…”

Dispensational talking scales: “Don’t get left behind, believe that you can lose that weight and it will suddenly disappear from your thighs in the twinkling of an eye…”

Word Faith talking scales: “Claim that weight loss in the name of GEE-Zus and you will be slain in the GLO-ry. Now don’t forget to plant your seed money for next week…”

Emergent talking scales: “Numbers are so confusing. We’re not sure exactly what your current weight is but be assured that all weights are acceptable before Him or Her, if there is a God at all. Let’s have a conversation about your weight after the praise band cranks out a few secular songs at 120 decibels…”

Seeker talking scales: “Just buy my book in the lobby and follow these 4 steps to finding your purpose. Your weight will be your best weight now…”


Posted by on January 20, 2012 in Uncategorized


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Guns ‘n TULIPs (Satire)


Meet the latest in Calvinist garage-style church praise bands:  Guns ‘n TULIPs             Welcome to the jungle…


Posted by on September 7, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Who’s a Calvinist? (Humor)

Bud: Who is a Calvinist.

Lou: Who?

Bud: That’s right. Who is a Calvinist.

Lou: Do you know his name?

Bud: Who.

Lou: ABBOTT! What’s the guy’s name who is a Calvinist?

Bud: No, What is an Arminian…

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Posted by on August 12, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Tickets, Please (Humor)

A small skirmish broke out in the ticket line for a Chris Tomlin concert when Arminian fans claimed they kept losing their place in line. Calvinist fans had no sympathy for them stating that once-in-line-always-in-line. Emergent fans weren’t sure what all the fuss was about since they couldn’t be sure if there really was a ticket line considering the fact that no one needed a ticket anyway since everyone’s after-line experience would turn out the same…

Note to readers: The timing on this bit is a little tricky considering the recent riots in England. This post has absolutely nothing to do with that news topic. This is about the differences in perspectives of several groups of ‘Evangelical Christians”. The backdrop of civil unrest is simply coincidental with the current news in England.

Posted by on August 9, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Door-to-Door Witnessing Can be Dangerous (Humor)

The Cru trainee uttered those words that were not allowed in the John Wayne Calvin household…”God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life”

Thanks to Calvinistic Cartoons for the image.
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Posted by on August 4, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Hear That Efficacious Call (Humor)

Telephone Lutte Incendie Clip Art

Use Calvin Communications and hear that efficacious call with crystal clarity. We don’t drop calls like those Arminian telephone companies. With Calvin Communications it’s once connected always connected! Exercise your freewill and choose Calvin Communications. We’re predestined to be your telephone company!


Posted by on August 2, 2011 in Uncategorized


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In Theaters Now… Cowboys & Arminians (Humor)

Predestined to be the best movie of the year! Answer the efficacious call & decide to go to the nearest theater and see this movie. It is chocked full of action, thrill, and misadventure. See the Arminians hit, miss, then hit their targets again… Watch as the Cowboys shoot and the Arminians decide whether or not to duck… It’s a thrill a minute. Now showing at theaters everywhere! Be a Daisy & see this movie…  

“I’m not sure if this is a good movie or not”- John Wesley Hardin     “I see that hand so I know it’s a good movie”- Charles Finney     “Those Arminians are pushing up TULIPs”- John Wayne Calvin

Posted by on August 2, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Trickle-down Humor

Angie: Wow, Ron… where did all of this money come from.

Ron: It is the result of my Trickle-Down Economics program. I’ll bet you George HW Bush doesn’t call it voodoo economics any longer!


Angie: Wow, that’s alot of money.

Ron: Yes, it’s seed money for the new Jeanne Dixon library that Nancy is planning to build…


Angie: Ron, why do you have so much money stashed away?

Ron: Nancy’s horoscope said to plan for extremely high inflation in the future when a muslim president would crash our economy.

Angie: That sounds more like Nostradamus…


Angie: Ron, I don’t believe it!

Ron: It’s true, I’m afraid. It’s called the Calvin Code. John Calvin’s picture was secretly removed from all US dollars and replaced with that 33rd degree Arminian, George Washington…

Angie: Why is all of this money in Rick Warren’s office safe, officer Ron?

Ron: It’s 10% of his “Purpose Driven” royalties… he hopes it will keep him out of Purgatory.

Angie: Why do you and Nancy keep so much money in your home safe, Ron?

Ron: We’re Arminians and we keep losing it…then getting it back…and losing it again…

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Posted by on August 2, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Monergist PI (Humor)

Higgins:  Magnum, I have decided to work in sync with God to bring about my justification.

Magnum:  Higgins, you must drop those Anglican roots of yours and receive God’s sovereign grace. Are you familiar with the Solas?

Higgins: Yes, the Solas are members of my polo club…

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Posted by on July 26, 2011 in Uncategorized


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You Might Be A … (Humor)

If you think you can lose your salvation and then get it back again… you might be an Arminian.

If you believe that man can sovereignly choose good or evil apart from God’s grace through election… you might be a Pelagian.

If you believe it’s a good idea to replace Biblical sermons with drama, topical sermonettes, and dance… you might be a pragmatist.

If you believe that you have God within and you just need to find a way to connect to it… you might be a newager.

If you think that you know everything and that the world owes you everything you desire… you have to be a teenager!

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Posted by on October 13, 2010 in Uncategorized


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