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Theological Talking Scales (Absurd Humor Replay)


Roman Catholic talking scales: “For an Indulgence of $50, your weight gain will be absolved…”

Lutheran talking scales: ”There are at least 95 things you should not have eaten this week…”

Southern Baptist talking scales: “Raise your hand if you know deep down in your heart that you should not have eaten those pop-tarts this week and if you really mean it, you will be saved from weight gain…”

Freewill Baptist talking scales: “Last week you gained weight and this week you lost it again…”

Reformed Baptist talking scales: “Our scales were calibrated in AD70 and if your weight is not what you expected, it is because you have been listening to those heathen Dispensationalists again…”

Dispensational talking scales: “Don’t get left behind, believe that you can lose that weight and it will suddenly disappear from your thighs in the twinkling of an eye…”

Word Faith talking scales: “Claim that weight loss in the name of GEE-Zus and you will be slain in the GLO-ry. Now don’t forget to plant your seed money for next week…”

Emergent talking scales: “Numbers are so confusing. We’re not sure exactly what your current weight is but be assured that all weights are acceptable before Him or Her, if there is a God at all. Let’s have a conversation about your weight after the praise band cranks out a few secular songs at 120 decibels…”

Seeker talking scales: “Just buy my book in the lobby and follow these 4 steps to finding your purpose. Your weight will be your best weight now…”

 
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Posted by on January 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Theological Talking Scales (Absurd Humor)


Roman Catholic talking scales: “For an Indulgence of $50, your weight gain will be absolved…”

Lutheran talking scales: “There are at least 95 things you should not have eaten this week…”

Southern Baptist talking scales: “Raise your hand if you know deep down in your heart that you should not have eaten those pop-tarts this week and if you really mean it, you will be saved from weight gain…”

Freewill Baptist talking scales: “Last week you gained weight and this week you lost it again…”

Reformed Baptist talking scales: “Our scales were calibrated in AD70 and if your weight is not what you expected, it is because you have been listening to those heathen Dispensationalists again…”

Dispensational talking scales: “Don’t get left behind, believe that you can lose that weight and it will suddenly disappear from your thighs in the twinkling of an eye…”

Word Faith talking scales: “Claim that weight loss in the name of GEE-Zus and you will be slain in the GLO-ry. Now don’t forget to plant your seed money for next week…”

Emergent talking scales: “Numbers are so confusing. We’re not sure exactly what your current weight is but be assured that all weights are acceptable before Him or Her, if there is a God at all. Let’s have a conversation about your weight after the praise band cranks out a few secular songs at 120 decibels…”

Seeker talking scales: “Just buy my book in the lobby and follow these 4 steps to finding your purpose. Your weight will be your best weight now…”

 
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Posted by on October 11, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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A Little Extra Won’t Hurt Anything… (Humor)


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Pastor to assistant:  Hold brother William under a little while; he is a salesman and I want this to take…

Image used with permission from my friend Eddie at Calvinistic Cartoons
 
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Posted by on September 3, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Proof There are No Southern Baptists in Heaven (Humor)


” As your pastor, I must report that I fear there may not be any Southern Baptists in Heaven. In Rev 7, John sees a multitude standing before the Lamb that no one could count; therefore, since Southern Baptists can and will count anything that moves and record it as attendance, I have to submit that there may not be any Southern Baptists in Heaven…”

 
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Posted by on April 30, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Rob Bell’s Theology… Closer to John Lennon or John Calvin?


Imagine there’s no Heaven (or Hell), it’s easy if you try… Rob Bell’s new Book Love Wins has been called “a fine book” by some on the extreme religious left and it has been called heretical and Universalist by more conservative Christian commentators but one thing is sure… the book is at the center of controversy.  

While Bell denies being a Universalist, it is difficult for him to prove it based upon his belief that everything works out for everyone in the end. His proponents call his work “generous”and his dissenters call it historically inaccurate, Theologically unsound, devastating to souls, and indefensible.  

The Truthinator has been warning about the Emergent toxic sludge for about 10 years now. Rob Bell pastors a 10,000 member church in Grand Rapids, MI but that is not the real danger. The real danger lies in the fact that young people and aspiring pastors have enshrined this guy as the true north position on the compass of truth! You may say to yourself that your church is fine and that nothing new ever happens in Turkey Neck, NC but chances are the next pastor called to the churches in all of the Turkey Neck, NCs in the world will have been greatly influenced by Rob Bell and others like him.  

Be afraid for your children and grandchildren. I have seen the face of America’s religious future and it is scary…

 
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Posted by on March 24, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Emerging Lunacy (Satire)


The ministry team at Surgir Locura (formerly First Baptist Mennonite Church before converting to Emergent philosophy) donned pantomime regalia and performed a dynamic equivalence interpretation of 2Corinthians 12:7 to the tune of Poison’s rock-n-roll ballad Every Rose Has a Thorn… No one in the audience understood let alone gained any benefit from the dramatic display, however, the church was able to find a use for the white gloves they purchased for the handbell choir in 1968… 
 

 
Image borrowed from www.thereformedtraveler.wordpress.com . Caption by Truthinator. 
 
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Posted by on September 22, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

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Daily Truth Bible Study Acts 11:1-30 part 2


Notice in verse 19 how believers had scattered to far away places as a result of the persecution that arose concerning Stephen’s ministry. Notice particularly that despite Stephen being killed by the Jewish religious leaders, the spreading of the good news of Jesus continued and increased! The scattering of some resulted in the Gospel being taught in new and different places. The work of God had not been halted, it had increased!

Notice also in verse 20 how it was the Lord Jesus that was being preached to the locals. It was not felt-needs, pop psychology, how to improve your sex life, prosperity now, or any other such madness. They were preaching the Lord Jesus. The result was that the hand of the Lord was with them and a great number believed and turned to the Lord (verse 21).

This is not the first time we have seen this formula (if we can call it that). The disciples of Jesus took His message to people and the Lord’s hand blessed this activity resulting in many believing and being saved. Wow, so simple yet so profound…why is this so hard to understand? Why do so many today put on entertainment extravaganzas each week to entertain men producing little if any lasting changes in their lives and call it ministry?

The book of Acts makes it amazingly simple and easy to understand. Faithful men preach the Lord Jesus to unbelievers. God blesses this activity. Many believe and are changed. Any questions?

 
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Posted by on May 27, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

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Daily Truth Bible Study Acts 11:1-30 part 1


After Peter returned to Jerusalem, he was confronted by the other apostles and brothers in Christ. They were probably partially in shock that the Holy Spirit had fallen upon gentiles and that Peter had gone in and stayed with gentiles for fellowship. Traditions and customs run deep. Some of the jewish believers may have understood how a gentile could be saved but equal in Christ with jews…? No way!

The Bible says all men come from Adam. We are all related when to you go back far enough. Still, mankind is ‘determined to segregate based upon myriads of reasons. Peter carefully explained how God had shown him not to call unclean what God had cleansed. Notice verse 18. Once Peter explained what had happened in total, the others said,  “Well, OK then” (my paraphrase).  Actually scripture says that they glorified God and said He had also granted repentance unto life to the gentiles.

I’m sure they were amazed but notice that they dropped their traditions and prejudice. Peter told them what had happened and they adjusted their course accordingly.

We should be ready to do the same. We carry a toolkit full of traditions and prejudices every day. Reading the Bible will disarm these in our lives. When we read what the Bible says, we should drop our traditions and fall in line with scripture. All men come from Adam. God has considered all men cleansed as far the opportunity to be saved in Christ Jesus. Those whom God will save is not known to us. We must reach out to ALL with the Gospel.

When we (Americans) see TV images of people in Haiti, Africa, American poverty areas, third-world countries, and etc, how do we react? Hopefully with compassion. What did we do to deserve God’s blessing of prosperity? Nothing. God bestowed it. Let’s use what God has given us for His glory. How much do we really need that fancy dinner and movie this weekend? Could we donate the money we would have spent to a worthy cause?  You answer this question…

 
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Posted by on April 23, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

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Daily Truth Bible Study Acts 10:24-48 part 1


Daily Truth Bible Study Acts 10:24-48

Last time, we saw the messengers of Cornelius arrive in Joppa to find Peter. Cornelius had seen a vision where an angel told him to send for Peter and where to find him. Much is happening here. A Roman Centurion and a gentile is being saved. This is huge! God is saving a man who is functioning inside a corrupt political/military government and a pagan gentile culture. And not only that, God is teaching Jewish Christians an unbelievable truth about God’s plan: Gentiles will be saved and will be equal to Jews in God’s kingdom! Unheard of and unbelievable!

I am using John MacArthur’s commentary on Acts for guidance in this study. MacArthur notes that a milestone in the Church’s history is reached when the two worlds collide. Peter and six of his fellow Jewish believers are going to see the unseeable, learn the unknowable and experience the unbelievable.

Cornelius had not been sitting around buffing his nails while his servants were gone to fetch Peter. He had prepared a gathering of  friends and relatives. Why? To hear what Peter would tell them.

Cornelius obviously valued what Peter would tell him and his relatives upon arrival. After all, Peter was the leader of the Church. He was the top guy in God’s blossoming group of believers in Jesus Christ. Jesus Himself had announced to Peter his responsibility for leadership of the group. And this guy was coming to see Cornelius!

This was not a political power display however. Cornelius was not trying to impress his friends. He had called everyone together because he expected Peter to tell them something important from God. Afterall, an angel had told him to send for Peter. Cornelius wanted his family and friends to benefit from knowing God. Anyone who knows God should have the desire for others to know as well.  Cornelius was in the process of moving from death to life. His concern for others is a proof of this occurence.

God was doing the work of transformation in Cornelius. This conversion would likely cost Cornelius his life as the Romans were not charitable toward the Jews and certainly not toward the Christians. Roman soldiers were killed if they ever got out of line with the rules and regs of military operation. Cornelius would either have to leave the Roman territory or die. However, this is apparently not a concern for him. It is not even mentioned in the text! The important thing to keep in mind is that God is saving his soul! This is far more important than preserving his temporary condition.

This truth must have entered his mind prior to inviting his friends and relatives over to hear Peter speak. He was caught in a paradox that many would experience and still face today. He chose to expose the others to eternal salvation even though it could cost them their lives. Cornelius had everything in proper perspective.

In Mark 8, Jesus addresses this very issue. He compares to outcomes of preserving one’s life now versus giving one’s life away for the sake of Christ and the Gospel. Cornelius made the correct choice. What choice will you make?  

John Piper Liberal Logic Relevance Missions New Age New Testament Old Testament Paul Washer Politics Post-modern Purpose Driven Religion Rick Warren Rob Bell Scripture Spiritual Theology Truth Inspirational Intellectual Calvinist Orthodox Bible Study Bible Study Theology Doctrine Daily Truth Calvinist Calvinist Calvinist Baptist Bible Brian McLaren Christianity Church Emerging Church Emergent Church Conservative Creation Discernment Doug Pagitt Evolution Faith Fundamentalist God Gospel Intelligent Design James McDonald Jesus Christ John MacArthur Joel Osteen John Piper Liberal Logic Relevance Missions New Age New Testament Old Testament Paul Washer Politics Post-modern Purpose Driven Religion Rick Warren Rob Bell Scripture Spiritual Theology Truth Inspirational Intellectual Calvinist Orthodox Baptist Bible Brian McLaren Christianity Church Emerging Church Emergent Church Conservative Creation Discernment Doug Pagitt Faith Fundamentalist God Gospel Intelligent Design James McDonald Jesus Christ John MacArthur Joel Osteen John Piper Liberal Logic Relevance Missions New Age New Testament Old Testament Paul Washer Politics Post-modern Purpose Driven Religion Rick Warren Rob Bell Scripture Spiritual Theology Truth Inspirational Intellectual Calvinist Orthodox Bible Study Bible Study Bible Study Christian Christianity Religion Religion Religion Reigion Grace Grace Grace Hope Hope Hope Change Change Change  Doctrine Doctrine Bible Bible Bible Relevant Relevant Relevance Post-Modern Church Truth Truth Truth Truth Truth Emergent Church Emerging Church Emergent Church Emerging Church Emerging Church Discernment Discernment Discernment Discernment Discernment Discernment Soteriology Apologetics Hermeneutics Soteriology Apologetics Hermeneutics Soteriology Apologetics Hermeneutics Peace Mercy Grace Peace Mercy Grace Apologetics, Hermeneutics, Soteriology, Mercy, Grace, Peace, Hope, Change, Bible Study Perry Noble Perry Noble Perry Noble Perry Noble Perry Noble Perry Noble Perry Noble Mark Driscoll Mark Driscoll Mark Driscoll Mark Driscoll Mark Driscoll Mark Driscoll Election Election Election Election Election Election Election Election Election John Piper Liberal Logic Relevance Missions New Age New Testament Old Testament Paul Washer Politics Post-modern Purpose Driven Religion Rick Warren Rob Bell Scripture Spiritual Theology Truth Inspirational Intellectual Calvinist Orthodox Bible Study Bible Study Theology Doctrine Daily Truth Calvinist Calvinist Calvinist Baptist Bible Brian McLaren Christianity Church Emerging Church Emergent Church Conservative Creation Discernment Doug Pagitt Evolution Faith Fundamentalist God Gospel Intelligent Design James McDonald Jesus Christ John MacArthur Joel Osteen John Piper Liberal Logic Relevance Missions New Age New Testament Old Testament Paul Washer Politics Post-modern Purpose Driven Religion Rick Warren Rob Bell Scripture Spiritual Theology Truth Inspirational Intellectual Calvinist Orthodox Baptist Bible Brian McLaren Christianity Church Emerging Church Emergent Church Conservative Creation Discernment Doug Pagitt Faith Fundamentalist God Gospel Intelligent Design James McDonald Jesus Christ John MacArthur Joel Osteen John Piper Liberal Logic Relevance Missions New Age New Testament Old Testament Paul Washer Politics Post-modern Purpose Driven Religion Rick Warren Rob Bell Scripture Spiritual Theology Truth Inspirational Intellectual Calvinist Orthodox Bible Study Bible Study Bible Study Christian Christianity Religion Religion Religion Reigion Grace Grace Grace Hope Hope Hope Change Change Change  Doctrine Doctrine Bible Bible Bible Relevant Relevant Relevance Post-Modern Church Truth Truth Truth Truth Truth Emergent Church Emerging Church Emergent Church Emerging Church Emerging Church Discernment Discernment Discernment Discernment Discernment Discernment Soteriology Apologetics Hermeneutics Soteriology Apologetics Hermeneutics Soteriology Apologetics Hermeneutics Peace Mercy Grace Peace Mercy Grace Grace Law Law Law Law Mercy Mercy Apologetics, Hermeneutics, Soteriology, Mercy, Grace, Peace, Hope, Change, Bible Study Perry Noble Perry Noble Perry Noble Perry Noble Perry Noble Perry Noble Perry Noble Mark Driscoll Mark Driscoll Mark Driscoll Mark Driscoll Mark Driscoll Mark Driscoll Election Election Election Election Election Election Election Election Election
 
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Posted by on March 19, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

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Decisionalism vs. Regeneration What does your church teach?


It is a modern-day epidemic. You will hear a preacher say something like,  “If you want to know you can have Heaven as your home, then ask Jesus into your heart” or “Raise your hand if you have made a decision to allow Jesus to be Lord of your life” or something similar but is this true? Sometimes, you will not even hear mention of the need for salvation. Instead you will hear a preacher say something like, ” We would love to have you as a part of our loving and thriving congregation, please sign the tear-out in your welcome kit and become a member today” or ” Your wonderful life could be made much more fulfilling by having Jesus in it; send a text to 2125LOVE and you will be assured of eternity in Heaven” but is this true?

In the clip of the Paul Washer sermon, you will hear Paul challenge some of the inaccurate and eternally damning assumptions made by too many people. Paul shares with us what the Bible really teaches about regeneration.

Who is a Christian? The one who confidently proclaims Christ but lives like the world or the one whose life changes 180 degrees for a Godly instead of worldly existence? God is the judge. Make sure on which side of the aisle you are standing.         (Thanks to www.illbehonest.com

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5bc8QU4h2w&feature=channel

Paul Washer Regeneration Salvation Repentence New Nature Evidence of Salvation Calvinism Transformation Carnal Christian Sin New Creature Church Worldly Decisionalism Easy Believism Saved Lost Eternity Heaven Hell God Jesus Cross
 
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Posted by on March 17, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

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