Theological Talking Scales (Absurd Humor)

11 Oct

Roman Catholic talking scales: “For an Indulgence of $50, your weight gain will be absolved…”

Lutheran talking scales: “There are at least 95 things you should not have eaten this week…”

Southern Baptist talking scales: “Raise your hand if you know deep down in your heart that you should not have eaten those pop-tarts this week and if you really mean it, you will be saved from weight gain…”

Freewill Baptist talking scales: “Last week you gained weight and this week you lost it again…”

Reformed Baptist talking scales: “Our scales were calibrated in AD70 and if your weight is not what you expected, it is because you have been listening to those heathen Dispensationalists again…”

Dispensational talking scales: “Don’t get left behind, believe that you can lose that weight and it will suddenly disappear from your thighs in the twinkling of an eye…”

Word Faith talking scales: “Claim that weight loss in the name of GEE-Zus and you will be slain in the GLO-ry. Now don’t forget to plant your seed money for next week…”

Emergent talking scales: “Numbers are so confusing. We’re not sure exactly what your current weight is but be assured that all weights are acceptable before Him or Her, if there is a God at all. Let’s have a conversation about your weight after the praise band cranks out a few secular songs at 120 decibels…”

Seeker talking scales: “Just buy my book in the lobby and follow these 4 steps to finding your purpose. Your weight will be your best weight now…”


Posted by on October 11, 2011 in Uncategorized


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11 responses to “Theological Talking Scales (Absurd Humor)

  1. Jason

    October 11, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    I would love to know what Scientologist talking scales would have to say.

  2. Acidri

    October 11, 2011 at 10:44 pm

    Yeah Jason. How about the Seventh Day Adventists. Well I guess they only use it six days a week. 🙂

  3. Truthinator

    October 11, 2011 at 11:31 pm

    Jason & Michael,

    All I can say is 😉 .

  4. Simon

    October 12, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    O dear those Reformed Baptist scales will have my head on a platter, as a matter of fact so will the free will ones,…any category for a sinner saved and kept by Grace?

    • Truthinator

      October 13, 2011 at 7:52 pm

      A friend of posted something about scales that said something silly and it made me think about exploiting some of the tendencies of several of the greater known Theolgical points of view. These were light weight jokes at best (pardon the pun) but I hoped some might get a belly laugh… (oops, I did it again)

  5. the Ink Slinger

    October 21, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    Hahaha! That was great! Loved the Emergent one. 🙂


    October 24, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    Funny….I’m open but cautious to the idea of weight gain.

  7. Constitution Girl

    November 1, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    What are you saying about Reformed Baptists?

  8. Truthinator

    November 2, 2011 at 5:26 am

    CG, I just tried to find something about each group to exploit to get a little chuckle. We all have something about us that can be looked at humorously even though some of the groups mentioned are not funny but sad…RC & Emergent for example.

  9. ruthsongs

    January 20, 2012 at 6:30 pm

    Bell Scales: The scales feel your weight and shed tears with you. They are deeply compelled by that.

    Really, the better question is what kind of scale is this? What kind of scale do you need? Scales are vast and diverse, and there is room for all of them.

    • Truthinator

      January 20, 2012 at 6:56 pm

      Good observation. Bell Scales would try to be whatever the person had a felt need for…


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