The Emergent Bakery (Satire)
The Emergent Bakery (Satire) by Wallace Revels
Guy: I would like a muffin, please, do you have any?
Emergent Baker: One can never be sure…
Guy: Do you have a banana nut muffin?
Emergent Baker: That sounds a little dogmatic to ask if I have one. I prefer to have a conversation about muffins.
Guy: Uh, you sell muffins, right?
Emergent Baker: We provide an atmosphere where people can safely explore whether they can perceive if muffins exist without the ridicule and legalism of the traditional bakery.
Guy: Do you know how to make muffins…do you have a cookbook?
Emergent Baker: I prefer to meditate about the ingredients that make up a holistic muffin in my mind’s eye. We do not use that old, outdated, tradition-steeped cookbook used by the irrelevant traditional bakers. We prefer the Purpose Driven Chef and Your Best Baking Now. These offer much less restrictions to our sense of self expression in the kitchen. They also boost our sense of self-importance.
Guy: Look, spaceman, do you have a muffin or not?
Emergent Baker: That is not the real question. The real question is how to meet your felt need of desiring a muffin. We have found that replacing the tired old order & serve process with drama, relevant FM-type radio music, and impressive-looking teenage bakers calms the customers and keeps them coming back.
Guy: Coming back for what? I need something to eat!
Emergent Baker: There you go again. Your mentality is the reason why most traditional bakeries have gone out of business.
Guy: Never mind, I will get a pack of crackers at the office… A bakery that doesn’t bake is worthless!