The Emergent Bakery (Satire)

15 Aug

The Emergent Bakery (Satire) by Wallace Revels      
Guy: I would like a muffin, please, do you have any?
Emergent Baker: One can never be sure…
Guy: Do you have a banana nut muffin?
Emergent Baker: That sounds a little dogmatic to ask if I have one. I prefer to have a conversation about muffins.
Guy: Uh, you sell muffins, right?
Emergent Baker: We provide an atmosphere where people can safely explore whether they can perceive if muffins exist without the ridicule and legalism of the traditional bakery.
Guy: Do you know how to make muffins…do you have a cookbook?
Emergent Baker: I prefer to meditate about the ingredients that make up a holistic muffin in my mind’s eye. We do not use that old, outdated, tradition-steeped cookbook used by the irrelevant traditional bakers. We prefer the Purpose Driven Chef and Your Best Baking Now. These offer much less restrictions to our sense of self expression in the kitchen. They also boost our sense of self-importance.
Guy: Look, spaceman, do you have a muffin or not?
Emergent Baker: That is not the real question. The real question is how to meet your felt need of desiring a muffin. We have found that replacing the tired old order & serve process with drama, relevant FM-type radio music, and impressive-looking teenage bakers calms the customers and keeps them coming back.
Guy: Coming back for what? I need something to eat!
Emergent Baker: There you go again. Your mentality is the reason why most traditional bakeries have gone out of business.
Guy: Never mind, I will get a pack of crackers at the office… A bakery that doesn’t bake is worthless!

Posted by on August 15, 2010 in Uncategorized


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7 responses to “The Emergent Bakery (Satire)

  1. thereformedtraveler

    August 17, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    There are so many great lines in this, wouldn’t know which one to comment on!!!! Will just say, thanks for posting!

    • Truthinator

      August 17, 2010 at 3:41 pm

      Thanks, Traveler, for stopping by and for the kind words. I have been told there is an old Monty Python bit about a cheese shop that sold no cheese. That is why I chose the MP photo. I was not aware of the MP bit when I wrote the Emergent Bakery but I must admit there is an element of MP style to the entire Emergent garbage pile. Both are totally absurd and loony! Come back any time.

      • thereformedtraveler

        August 20, 2010 at 6:17 pm

        You know, I think you’ve hit on something there with the element of MP and the Emergents! And a cheese shop that sold no cheese-Ha! OK… so I’ve held off as long as I can- have thought about this since you posted, going to have to grab it and stick it over on blog. It’s just so good…how many conversations have we had like this with The Muffin Men?!

      • Truthinator

        August 20, 2010 at 8:04 pm

        Yes, the emergent clown posse would be quite comical if it wasn’t a reality. These are lost and deceived people. They actually believe they are OK in their spiritual journey despite the fact that nothing they hold to is mentioned in the Bible! Where does the Bible promote pluralism? Nowhere. Where does the Bible mention that God changed His mind about pouring out wrath upon the lost (those without a Biblically defined relationship with Christ)? Nowhere.

        Yet somehow they believe all is well on the spiritual Titanic… Let’s keep praying. Sometimes they see the light by God’s grace.

  2. Steph

    August 18, 2010 at 7:33 am

    Hi Truthinator
    As funny as this is it also hits where it ought to. The simple Gospel of our Lord in too many places, has been so twisted out of recognition into humanism, that what once was the Power of God unto Salvation, has become the intellectual confusion of man unto death.

    The MP skit you are talking about is really funny – I saw it a few years ago, and it does take the same style as this one and as you say qually absurd.

    In Christ

    • Truthinator

      August 18, 2010 at 9:29 am

      Thanks, Steph. These satire peices are my attempt to get people’s attention who might not usually read an in-depth article. I do articles and Bible Studies as well, but I try to mix things up a bit. The material concerning the Emergent debacle is certainly not funny. I am simply trying to show the absurdity by being a little absurd myself.

      Your comment is exactly right! God’s message has been twisted to mean something entirely different. The Emergents use many of the same words that Christians use but their meanings are totally skewed to the misinterpretation of the truth. After all, you can catch more flies with heresy than with truth…

      Please stop by anytime.


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