Theological Talking Scales (Absurd Humor Replay)

Roman Catholic talking scales: “For an Indulgence of $50, your weight gain will be absolved…”

Lutheran talking scales: ”There are at least 95 things you should not have eaten this week…”

Southern Baptist talking scales: “Raise your hand if you know deep down in your heart that you should not have eaten those pop-tarts this week and if you really mean it, you will be saved from weight gain…”

Freewill Baptist talking scales: “Last week you gained weight and this week you lost it again…”

Reformed Baptist talking scales: “Our scales were calibrated in AD70 and if your weight is not what you expected, it is because you have been listening to those heathen Dispensationalists again…”

Dispensational talking scales: “Don’t get left behind, believe that you can lose that weight and it will suddenly disappear from your thighs in the twinkling of an eye…”

Word Faith talking scales: “Claim that weight loss in the name of GEE-Zus and you will be slain in the GLO-ry. Now don’t forget to plant your seed money for next week…”

Emergent talking scales: “Numbers are so confusing. We’re not sure exactly what your current weight is but be assured that all weights are acceptable before Him or Her, if there is a God at all. Let’s have a conversation about your weight after the praise band cranks out a few secular songs at 120 decibels…”

Seeker talking scales: “Just buy my book in the lobby and follow these 4 steps to finding your purpose. Your weight will be your best weight now…”

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