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Monthly Archives: January 2012

Monty Python’s Flying Circus Church Plant Kit (Satire)


Thinking of starting a Circus Church plant? Having trouble connecting with the culture of your community? Let Monty Python’s Flying Circus Church Planting Kit do the work for you. You’ll live the life of Brian by following our guide to putting on a 3-ring circus in your church each and every week. Nothing is out of bounds. Each kit comes inside a replica can of Spam! We will show you how to connect with the worldly folks in your area by starting a Ministry of Silly Walks, Ministry of Silly Games, Ministry of Short Silly Sermons, and much, much more. This is the Holy Grail of church planting kits. You’ll show folks the meaning of life once you order Monty Python’s Flying Circus Church Planting Kit. Available from Zondervan, Christianity Today, or from any Emergent Church coffee shop & new age bookstore. Also available beside the Beltone hearing aid desk in the lobby of many evangelical megachurches across America! Get yours today…  (Spam & cheese not included)      

 
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Posted by on January 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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That’s How He Rolls (Humor)


Young Sr. Pastor Jake took everything literally as evidenced by the time the elders suggested he use a segue to get from the morning announcements to the offertory prayer…

 
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Posted by on January 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Come Back to the Future… (Humor)


 

Marty:  But Doc, the leader of my Beer & Bible small group says that the book of the Revelation was mostly fulfilled in AD70, Israel is done. I’m a Preterist.

Doc Brown: Marty, I’ve warned you about the YR&R folks. Have you read Romans 11? You need to come back to the future…

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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The Truthinator Interviews: Interview #4


As you know by now, we at Truthinator’s Blog are conducting interviews with notable people around the world for the purpose of gaining insight from their knowledge and experiences. The names are kept secret because we are not trying to impress you with our list of notable friends & acquaintances. This is about the information only.

We must also say that the opinions and/or beliefs of this or any other interviewee do not necessarily represent the views of Truthinator’s Blog, its employees, or volunteers. Please be edified…

Truthinator:  Please begin by giving me a few lines of biographical information.

Guest:  My first memory of church was when I was four or five years old.  My family went to a community church nestled deep in the Appalachian Mountains.  The church was a community church, not associated with any denomination, but it was extremely charismatic.  There I was introduced to doctrine that would take me many years and great heartache to overcome.  Mercifully, God was with me and was patiently leading and protecting me as He led me out. I thought it was normal to speak in tongues, see visions, receive angelic visitations, demonic visitations, and spiritual manifestations which presented themselves physically, i.e. twitching, shouting, fainting, etc.  I was taught these things followed those who believed.  As I grew up, I didn’t realize it until much later, but this essentially separated the church into the haves and have nots.  The haves were the ones who had all the visions, spoke the most tongues, had the most revelatory knowledge.  The have-nots, of which I was one, had none of those things, but earnestly sought for them.  The mind-set created by this type of dynamic resulted in people seeking gifts and manifestations and not repentance or Scriptural knowledge.  I was taught that you were a spiritual powerhouse and blessed by God if you have these experiences.  What that did to the spirit and mind of earnest seekers is put the notion in our heads that since we weren’t speaking in tongues or being slain in the spirit, we were out of favor with God.  This causes great heartache and pain.  It also perpetuates an endless cycle of striving to be accepted by a god who is not the God of the Bible.  It was utter and complete deception. Thankfully, as I grew and began reading God’s Word, my eyes were opened, not just to Biblical truth, but to the deception I was raised in.  Since then, I’ve been researching and reaching out to others in the hopes I can be an instrument the Lord can work through to steer others away from this deception.

T:  What do you think has changed most in evangelical Christianity since you became a Christian?

G:  That’s a tough one.  I believe the biggest change I’ve seen personally is the church’s acceptance of sin.  This change is heartbreaking to watch.  If I had to track this to its roots, I would say the main culprit is man’s rejection of God’s Word as the sole source of spiritual truth.

T:  The evangelical mainstream today seems to care more about social interaction and enjoyment of the here & now than about Bible truth. True or false?

G:  True.  What’s sad is that the flip side of that coin is rejection of the great commission to reach the lost.  We are building a church full of lazy believers who are culturally driven.  They are not sharing the gospel, they are inviting the lost into the church and entertaining them.  They don’t preach law and grace, they preach self-entitlement and self-esteem, which is the exact opposite of preaching repentance.  Instead of preaching the substitutionary atonement, they preach feel-good sermons that exalt the hearers, while they are still dead in their sins.  There is no life-giving power to their words.  No saving power in compromise.  The worst thing you can tell a sinner is that they’re special and they deserve to be happy.  They need their hearts broken.  They need to be broken before Him.  They need the cross and Christ crucified preached to them on a regular basis.  Without Jesus Christ, there is no life.

T:  What is “relevance” in light of the Bible’s teaching about the relationship of God’s people (the body of Christ) to the world. Is the modern day church getting it right by seeking to be like the world in order to reach it? How relevant to the world must one be to be effective in ministry? How relevant to God must one be to be effective in ministry?

G:  Relevance is a slap in God’s face.  We were never asked to be culturally relevant, we were asked to be Christ-like.  It seems pretty clear cut.

T:  What do you think about the Emergent Church and its impact on American youth? Where will the EC lead America? What does the impact of the EC do to those involved in missions? What impact will it likely have on the unreached people of the world?

G:  The Emergent Church has led its followers into a man-centered faith.  When a church, or movement, is flawed from the outset, it has no hope of ever being blessed by God or grounded in spiritual truth.  Any faith not centered on Christ Jesus alone is faith built on sinking sand.  It will not have the strength to stand against the winds of the world, and it will never present you fully justified before God because there is no emphasis on repentance and cleansing through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.  The Emergent Church, from its very inception was based on a lie… it’s focus being on the culture.

T:  Do you think the church in America is in danger of reuniting with Roman Catholicism? Why or why not? Do you think the “New Perspective on Paul” is a tool for reuniting with Catholicism?

G:  If we believe Scripture, there will be a merging of theological views under a religion that will be acceptable to the world.  A one world religion.  Not only do I believe the church will unify with Roman Catholicism, but I foresee the church unifying with WOF, Catholicism, Dominionism, Emergent Church, and more.  The direction the church is going is a troubling one in that when you begin to teach tolerance, as they now do in the church, that tolerance begins blurring denominational lines, and eventually lines between religions, bringing them all under the umbrella of unity.

T: Is it beneficial for people like James McDonald to host gatherings such as the Elephant Room where people of very different perspectives laugh, chum it up, and simply ‘agree to disagree’? Does this have the danger of giving a stamp of approval to some people with really bad theological beliefs? Why or why not?

G:  When James MacDonald invites people like T. D. Jakes and Steven Furtick under the banner of brotherhood, it presents a problem.  The problem is that he is extending the right hand of fellowship, as well as his affirmation, to people who preach false doctrine.  If doctrine doesn’t divide us, then what does?  It was important enough for Paul to warn the Ephesian elders to be on guard.  It was important enough for Jude to urge us to fight for the faith.  It was important enough for Jesus to warn, “See to it that no one deceives you.” in the 24th chapter of Matthew.  How can Christianity be true if there is no firm and set doctrine?  No firm truth that we can know?  Additionally, how can that doctrine be true if preachers are contradicting one another theologically?  Who’s right?  Who’s wrong?  Everyone?  Clear as mud, right?  It sets a dangerous precedent in the church that says doctrine isn’t important.  Without sound doctrine, there is no hope of spiritual nourishment in truth.

T:  According to research findings by Barna and others, Americans are becoming increasingly more selfish and worldly as time passes. Do you agree? Why or why not? Is this change (if you agree) acceptable?

G:  I wish I could say Barna’s findings surprise me, but truly, they don’t.  God has been removed from almost every avenue of society and privatized.  This whole-scale rejection of God leaves us looking to man for wisdom, knowledge, protection, salvation, etc.  That’s setting the bar pretty low.  When American society tells God they no longer want Him, the only result can be spiritual and moral decay.

T:  Why do you blog? How long will you continue to blog? I blog because I can.  That doesn’t sound like a deeply spiritual answer, does it?

G:  After being delivered from Charismatic deception, I spent years in research.  I wanted to know how far this had spread, how it got started, how far would it go?  After years of compiling data, I had to tell someone.  I had to vent.  I never knew if anyone would listen, but as long as I got it out, so to speak, I thought I would feel better.  That’s when I started blogging.  I never expected the following I have achieved, and truly, I credit hunger for that.  There were times I thought about slowing down a little bit, but then I would get e-mails from people who simply wrote to say, “I know what you’re saying is true.  Please don’t stop.  It’s just a relief to hear someone saying it.”  That’s when I saw there were a lot of people out there just like me who were grieved over what they were seeing, and just like me, it grieved them that no one seemed to see it or speak against it.  Now I know there are others, and as the days grow darker, many, many more are starting to speak out.  I say, God bless them!  It’s a truth war we’re in, and we need more soldiers on the battlefield lobbing shells into the enemy camp.  There’s room for more out here.

T: Lastly, I have to ask you about John Crowder and the New Mystics. In your opinion based upon what you know about such things, are these guys likely to be real (in their own minds) or are they just comedians with no regard for God who take money from gullible people? How can folks like this make a living as “preachers” in America?

G:  I don’t know if I can explain myself clearly here, so please bear with me.  In 2008, around the time of the Lakeland Revival, John Crowder’s popularity seemed to take a surge.  The mysticism spread by Todd Bentley and his handlers caused interest in the supernatural within the church to hit an all-time high.  Suddenly, he and Benjamin Dunn went from being on the fringe of Charismania to being a little more accepted.  Their popularity surged for a time.  With the collapse of Lakeland, Crowder’s popularity seems to have waned a bit.

Is John Crowder real?  Only God can judge Crowder’s motives and intent.  That judgment is above my pay scale.  If I had to tell you my initial suspicion on the subject, I would say yes.  He is for real.  He truly believes what he is teaching.  I suppose I’ll stick to that point of view until proven otherwise.  Crowder is a good example of extreme charismatic theology and spiritual blindness.

T:  Thank you for participating in the Truthinator Interviews.

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Oh Dear (Humor)


John Piper was recently being grilled in a press conference for befriending Mark Driscoll, Rick Warren, & for tweeting an alarmingly universalist-sounding stance on Muslims, Jews, and Christians so he decided to take a question from a 4 year-old girl sitting in the front row. She asked what he would look like as a deer and this was his response…

 
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Posted by on January 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Theological Talking Scales (Absurd Humor Replay)


Roman Catholic talking scales: “For an Indulgence of $50, your weight gain will be absolved…”

Lutheran talking scales: ”There are at least 95 things you should not have eaten this week…”

Southern Baptist talking scales: “Raise your hand if you know deep down in your heart that you should not have eaten those pop-tarts this week and if you really mean it, you will be saved from weight gain…”

Freewill Baptist talking scales: “Last week you gained weight and this week you lost it again…”

Reformed Baptist talking scales: “Our scales were calibrated in AD70 and if your weight is not what you expected, it is because you have been listening to those heathen Dispensationalists again…”

Dispensational talking scales: “Don’t get left behind, believe that you can lose that weight and it will suddenly disappear from your thighs in the twinkling of an eye…”

Word Faith talking scales: “Claim that weight loss in the name of GEE-Zus and you will be slain in the GLO-ry. Now don’t forget to plant your seed money for next week…”

Emergent talking scales: “Numbers are so confusing. We’re not sure exactly what your current weight is but be assured that all weights are acceptable before Him or Her, if there is a God at all. Let’s have a conversation about your weight after the praise band cranks out a few secular songs at 120 decibels…”

Seeker talking scales: “Just buy my book in the lobby and follow these 4 steps to finding your purpose. Your weight will be your best weight now…”

 
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Posted by on January 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Has John Piper Lost His Mind?


What? Uh, what? Is John Piper crazy or is he bowing to the idol of inclusivism? Allah is a demon and the Jews try to get to God without His son, Jesus. The Bible teaches there is one God and one way to get to Him. Like it or lump it, that is the way it is… it sounds like Rick Warren’s influence is having an effect.

 
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Posted by on January 19, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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The Truthinator Interviews: Interview #3


As you know by now, we at Truthinator’s Blog are conducting interviews with notable people around the world for the purpose of gaining insight from their knowledge and experiences. The names are kept secret because we are not trying to impress you with our list of notable friends & acquaintances. This is about the information only.

We must also say that the opinions and/or beliefs of this or any other interviewee do not necessarily represent the views of Truthinator’s Blog, its employees, or volunteers. Please be edified…

 

Truthinator:  Please give us some biographical data about yourself.

Guest:  I am a an African , a white African male, Calvinistic in my theology and convictions and saved by God’s amazing grace from the trappings of a religious institution. I was studying for the Methodist Pastorate when the Lord in His Grace apprehended me and made me face my own depravity. I left the mission station I was working at and came back to Johannesburg where I live. I got married and at age 43 had a daughter, who is now seven and the light of my life.  I attend a Baptistic type church and I am currently busy completing my degree in theology.  Whether I will stand in a pulpit again is another story, it is not something I take lightly. By all accounts I should have been a sound convert to Catholicism and my theology should be Emergent and liberal in type. But God in His mercy has rather shown me a better way. I have embraced the doctrines of Grace as my very own.

 T:  In your part of the world, is Biblical Christianity dominant or at least heavily represented? If not, what is the major religion.

G:  South Africa is a melting pot of all kinds of beliefs, a large part of the population have a kind of syncretistic nature to it. A person might go to church on Sunday for communion and on Wednesday to the local witch doctor. I saw this first hand when I worked on a mission station in the rural areas of South Africa.

T:  Does the religious confusion coming from America impact your area? How?

G:  Most of the books I managed to get hold of to teach myself in the Word of God when I came to Christ first in 1979 were books written by mainly Word faith preachers. Kenneth Hagin, Kenneth Copeland, Charles Capps, Bob Mumford and the like. The prosperity gospel and the “discipling” movement led by Derek Prince, Bob Mumford and  others also had a big influence on me. Praying in tongues and the charismatic gifting I never felt comfortable with so I did not engage much in that.

I left the Word Faith church in 1992 and joined with the South African Methodists in 1993. There I came under the influence of Christian mystics, so called like Richard Foster, Dallas Willard, Ken Gire, Thomas Merton, Brennan Manning and the like. These led me along a path of making myself look and feel religious but the contemplative spirituality of the mystics in reality was for me no different than the mixed up message of the Word Faith preachers.

My first introduction to Reformed Theology was through the internet, discovering what TULIP meant and other such doctrines, for that I owe much to the online ministry of Dr John Piper and John MacArthur.

T:  Does the average person on the streets of your town have any Bible knowledge? If yes, then does it affect the way they live? If not, why?

 G:  In general, I would say no, for the most part most there is a total lack of discernment,  most I know would go to church on Sunday and still pretty much live as they please. In a very real sense,South Africans  who profess to be Christians are not much different than those who profess to be Christians in America.  Even in our local church the light of the gospel is only slowly dawning on some, but as for the way in which people approach and live life, the sentiment is there that God is for Sundays and on Monday behaviours can be the same as the rest of world around them. Even the white population of South Africa which had its roots in reformed teachings two generations ago, have returned to paganism and much of the blame for that lies in the fact of the syncretistic approach most South Africans have.  Even orthodox Christians have a hard time matching their profession with their way of life.

 T:  Do the Christians in your area live differently than those who are not Christian? If yes, how?

G:  Those who are truly saved yes. Christians from all South African culture groups who have embraced the gospel are warm hospitable people for the most part.  Those who are not Christian have what I call a “entitlement complex’ They think they are entitled to all the worlds material goods and the current politic climate does nothing to help that. Christians I have known and loved do not seem to have that racist arrogant attitude that was prevailing in both the White and Black cultures.

T:  Is there an evangelical emphasis in your area? Is it based squarely upon the Bible or upon man-made techniques?

G:  The only evangelists I come across in our area are either Mormon or Jehovah’s Witnesses, since both these groups have headquarters in Johannesburg.  The only real evangelism tool or methodology is the teachings that I  have seen is effective is Ray Comforts “Way of the Master” It works for everybody, present the law then the gospel. Much other evangelism I have come across even the kind I used in earlier days was more Charles Finney style, the emphasis being on a “sinners prayer” once said, makes you a Christian. This doctrine I had to unlearn the hard way.

 T:  Has the quasi-Christian/quasi humanist teachings of Rick Warren, Rob Bell, and others had an impact on Christianity in your area? How so?

G:  I came across the work of Rick Warren after I left the Emergent Methodists and really the pragmatism was very attractive. I needed to “do” something and Rick Warren, Bill Hybels and those who their ministries connected to, appealed to me. But not for long. I had found by this time a Bible teaching church where I heard the gospel presentation, maybe for the first time. That would be after nearly 20 years of being a “Christian” I became a Christian. Unfortunately Rob Bell, and Rick Warren’s books abound in our bookstores.  What is very unfortunate is that both Bell and Warren’s theology, if I can call it that, appeals to the African mind which loves a syncretistic religion. 

 

T:  Is church discipline used in churches where you live?

Yes there is, I have not seen much in action but a lot is being done in the Baptistic and Presbyterian reformed churches to bring about the counseling that comes alongside of that not only teaching people how to live but teach them how to unlearn bad habits and false teachings. This is still not such a big movement in South Africa since literature and reformed preaching are lacking in most part.

T:  What percentage of people go to a Bible-centered church in your area?

G:  I will be generous and say about 20 percent if that. The Word Faith Churches still have a strong hold and their mega church setups are big and attractive. But I have found many just like me who have left that movement and joined with Reformed Bible teaching churches. So there is an interest but most still cling to their traditions or just become worldly and indifferent.

T:  What impact do Christians have where you live?

G:  Our church which has been in the area for nearly 30 years is very much a community church. People from the community “come to church” and very often hear the gospel for the very first time. I cannot say how much true impact Christians have in our area but there is much ministry and opportunity to take in our direct community. It is difficult to get past a mindset where the ruling government of the day is more in favor of ancestor worship than to hear the true gospel. Light has come to Africa but we have yet to see what God would do next in our nation. What impact do Christians have in our area currently? Not that much. As I have said, the Jehovah’s witnesses and Mormons are more active than most Christians I have met. And that is an indictment on the South African churches too.

T:  I thank you for taking the time to share this information with us. Blessings to you.

 
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Posted by on January 18, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Tele-Lectio Divina (Humor)


We pray you will contemplate using Tele-Lectio Divina Communications the next time you want a new revelation from God. Just meditate on the possibilities! The next time someone tries to fence you in with truth from the Bible, just dial direct for a new & different interpretation that will match your own flesh’s desires. Tele-Lectio Divina Communications is a favorite of Roman Catholic mystics, evangelical protholics, and Emergents alike. Afterall, all roads lead to God…whomever he or she might be! Tele-Lectio Divina is recommended by Popes John Paul II, Benedick, Warren, McLaren, and the list goes on.

Sold in RC monasteries & Emergent Church coffee houses throughout the world. You will also find us located beside the Beltone hearing aid desk in the lobby of most American churches. Dial 666 to get an outside line and proudly proclaim “Dei Verbum” to all of your post-modern friends…

 
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Posted by on January 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tel-Lectio Divina (Humor)


We pray you will contemplate using Tel-Lectio Divina Communications the next time you want a new revelation from God. Just meditate on the possibilities! The next time someone tries to fence you in with truth from the Bible, just dial direct for a new & different interpretation that will match your own flesh’s desires. Tel-Lectio Divina Communications is a favorite of Roman Catholic mystics, evangelical protholics, and Emergents alike. Afterall, all roads lead to God…whomever he or she might be! Tel-Lectio Divina is recommended by Popes John Paul II, Benedick, Warren, McLaren, and the list goes on.

Sold in RC monasteries & Emergent Church coffee houses throughout the world. You will also find us located beside the Beltone hearing aid desk in the lobby of most American churches. Dial 666 to get an outside line and proudly proclaim “Dei Verbum” to all of your post-modern friends…

 
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Posted by on January 13, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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