Western Minister’s Confession (Humor)

Ricky singing:  ♫ Jesus is my friend, yeah Jesus is a cool dude, yes Jesus is my homeboy ♪ ♫

John: Is that what you folks sing over to that Tumbleweed Community Church, Pilgrim?

Ricky: Yes, what are you, a pharisee or something…?

John singing: ♪ Rock of ages, cleft for me. Let me hide myself in Thee. Let the water and the blood, from Thy wounded side that flowed. Be of sin the double cure, cleanse from wrath and make me pure.

Ricky: Double cure…what’s that?

John: Just as I suspected… You stay away from those Emergent garden parties, young man.

 

Take it to the Next Level (Humor)

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, thought as a child, and reasoned as a child but once becoming an adult I got an iphone & twitter account and elevated childishness to a whole new level…

 

Strung-out Relevance (Humor)

 Image from Calvinistic Cartoons

That was a wonderful rendition of “Livin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi for Sunday’s service but did you remember to use drop-D tuning, Lass?

 

Mr. Ed Live from the Saddleback Comedy Club (Humor)

I’m sorry I couldn’t be on the stage at Saddleback Church today but I’ve a touch of hay fever… It’s nothing serious, it just makes me a little hoarse… How many Arminians does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one but first the lightbulb must want to be changed… I just flew in from Cleveland and boy are my legs tired… I am not a good dancer because I have two left feet…I would like to thank Rick Warren for allowing me to be here today despite the resistance of the nay-sayers… John Piper says he is doctrinal & sound and you got that straight from the horse’s mouth…

Some thought Ed’s routine was a shoe-in to win but others had nagging doubts. Regardless, all were glued to their TVs…

 

Relevance Lost (Satire)

Goober:  Did you see that pitiful sound system at that church in Siler City?

Andy:  Yeah, no Marshall stacks, no guitar effect pedals, no synthesizers, no strobe lights, no smoke bombs…no wonder they’re not a growing church, they lack all the vital stuff.

 

Emergent Baseball (Satire)

Bob: Alright, Jim. What’s the call?

Jim: Who can be sure? 

Herb: How do you feel the call should go?

Jim: I’m just afraid the players will be angry at the dogma of making a call. Then they might not come back to the next game.

Fred: I wonder what Rob Bell would do?

Jim: Safe! Everyone is safe!  

 

Mark Driscoll Sees Things (Humor)

Young Mark Driscoll: I see gullible people…

 

Higher Criticism

“You are balding, you don’t speak well in public, you’re not very charismatic, and your taste in ties leaves something to be desired…”

John was especially gifted at ‘higher criticism’…

 

Semi-Pelagian Free Bird (Humor)

Thanks to Calvinistic Cartoons for the Picture

Bartender:  That church across the street must be playin’ Free Bird as the invitational hymn again, the service should have let out 15 minutes ago…  

Patron:  That is a sweet guitar solo…I may just decide to convert…

 

Young Pastors Know More Than Grumpy Old Men (Humor)

Man on telephone:  Pastor, I know I am an old & grumpy man who has been in the ministry for 45 years and I know that you being 35 years old and in the ministry for 3 years obviously know much more than I, but do you really think it is wise to plant tares in this field along side the wheat?

Moral: Young people know so little but are convinced they know it all! Hurry, cure all of the world’s ills, young people, while you still know everything because in a few years you will mature enough to realize you never really knew anywhere near as much as you thought…