A Trip to the Emergent Bank (Satire)

Imagine going to the bank and finding that it has taken on the Monty Pythonesque Emerging Church view of reality…

You: I would like to know my account balance, please.

Banker: Sure, I would love to have a conversation with you.

You: My balance?

Banker: I’m sure your intention is to have a substantial balance. How do you feel about your balance?

You: Could you PLEASE tell me my balance?

Banker: Balances are so black & white. They limit us and deter our growth. Who can possibly say exactly what your balance is?

You: Is there someone here who can tell me my balance?

Banker: We have found that simply having a conversation about your balance is sufficient for most people. Our survey data says that some people may not return to our bank if we talk in absolute terms.

You: Please close my account.

Banker: We’ve found that walking in the mist of the serenity of having an account can bring joy and peace to most people without ever crossing the fundamentalist line of talking about facts and figures. Who can say what a balance really means, anyway?

You: I’m outa here!

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